The Curse of Coming Out
The lifelong curse of being queer is having to keep coming out. I love everything about being queer except for the cost of the constant wardrobe changes and the feeling that I have to keep everyone individually updated on every queer revelation I come to.
Once you realize your queer, hell, once you realize you’re a straight person who is a little too invested in the LGBTQ+ community, you become so aware of your identity that it’s likely to change several times. For example, I’ve gone from a really great LGBTQ+ ally, to being bisexual, to using just queer, to embracing being a lesbian, to now being transmasc with a trans husband and realizing lesbian is kind of a hilarious label to use for myself (bi is the most fitting again).
I found it annoying enough to come out the first time, and most of the time I just chose not to. Often I was wildly intoxicated if I did decide to come out to friends and family members, because sober me absolutely hates the idea that I have to make a big fuss about it. It’s like when someone tells you it’s their birthday on their birthday and they look at you expectedly until you wish them a happy birthday. The context is probably important for future but in that moment it’s just awkward.
Like I said, I love being queer -- being trans, being gay -- and I love talking about it! Try to get me to talk about anything social or political without bringing up the intersection with the LGBTQ+ community (hint: you can’t), but please don’t make me have to have individual conversations with everyone in my life every time I discover or embrace something new about myself.
Despite the fact that I’m trying to get better at writing personal pieces to share, and despite the fact that I am indeed a yapper, I don’t generally like to talk about myself in one-sided conversations.
So if you’re a friend or family member, and this is how you learn that I’m nonbinary, transmasc, use he/him and they/them pronouns, had top surgery in December, like to go by Ken so people stop assuming I’m a girl over email, have a trans husband, it’s not that I don’t love you, it’s not that I think you’ll respond poorly, it’s not that I don’t value our relationship, it’s that I wanted you to find out that way so I don’t have to have this conversation over and over again.
(This doesn’t include you, mom, I’m sorry.)
Finding out through social media or another person doesn’t mean you have to pretend you don’t know about it when you’re talking to me. If anyone but my husband knows it’s no longer a secret -- and Haiden is a great secret keeper unless it comes to hiding surprises from me.
I’m happy to answer (kind) questions about my identities, and help educate folks on things they don’t understand but want to.
Some people might think this passive way of coming out is rude or thoughtless to the people that care about me. Maybe it is. But at the end of the day, it’s the way I find most comfortable and safe, and being the queer person that’s coming out, I think that’s most important.
